BY MITA ARORA
Baby, can't you see I'm calling?
A guy like you should wear a warning
It's dangerous, I'm falling
(Lyrics from the song, Toxic {2003} by Britney Spears)
Despite the song's success on the charts at the time, many people overlooked the crucial message it brought forth about an unhealthy relationship. Relationships can be good, bad, abusive or plain toxic.
Why toxic? Like a poison, an unhealthy relationship depresses you, makes you feel numb, unloved, misinterpreted, confused, agitated, and increases your anxiety and self-doubt. Instead of lifting you up, making you feel content.
The following is a summary of some significant warning signs that may indicate you are in an unhealthy relationship:
1) The relationship has poor or non-existent communication, wherein your opinion or voice is never properly heard or addressed.
2) Gas lighting: Issues brought up, particularly those pertaining to perception and emotion, are minimised or treated as unimportant.
3) Financial constraints: to make you totally dependent on the toxic person and lose your freedom of financial stability.
Those who have walked down this murky road shared that not only is it difficult to get out of such a relationship, but it leaves one with an open wound that takes time to heal.
There are many people in Goa who are in a toxic relationship, but are not aware, and are trying to make it work or fix it. Those who have walked down this murky road shared that not only is it difficult to get out of such a relationship, but it leaves one with an open wound that takes time to heal.
Sunita, 35-years-old, and living with her two kids in Anjuna, was able to regain her freedom when she decided to separate from her husband a few years back.
When asked why it took her so long to part ways from a toxic person, she shared, “When I married him, I was in my 20s and already was divorced and had a kid from first marriage. I gave my all in my second marriage, had another child and quit my job, too. Despite this, I felt as if I am living the life of a bird in a golden cage. I had all the facilities, but never had his trust. I was degraded every day. I couldn’t be a good mother, if I stayed with him, hence I left him.”
Every person looks for a partner that can be at their side and can help them in their growth
In our society, men are taught to be tough, to be able to handle it all. Every person looks for a partner that can be at their side and can help them in their growth. What happens when they land in a relationship with a person who is toxic?
“The pressure to make her happy, while losing myself in the process, was tough for me. I doubted myself. A person who has been managing big teams since the mid-20s, couldn’t deal with his own partner. I endured it, till I couldn’t anymore,” said Utpal Ghosh, serial entrepreneur from Panjim.
Has the experience left him tainted for future relationships?
“It’s been a few years now, and if given a chance, I would like to fall in love again and have a different experience,” he shared.
When an unhealthy relationship originates with one's preferred partner, it is considered an error and a lesson learned. What transpires when a person is forced into a toxic relationship and shares blood ties with that person?
When an unhealthy relationship originates with one's preferred partner, it is considered an error and a lesson learned.
“Back in my childhood, my parents used to live in the same house as my grandmother, but had no relationship with her. Even the kitchen was separate. This used to irk me, and I felt that my dad was at fault. It is when he fell ill and passed away, that I got to see how controlling and manipulative my grandma really was. She used to keep me hungry or taunt me while giving food. Always degrading me, it took many years to understand it was not my fault. That’s how she is,” shared Gokul, a 28-year-old social worker, and resident of Panjim.
“Now that I have grown up, she no longer has control. But, what she did had an impact on me and my relationships. I have gone from one toxic relationship to another. I hope to break the pattern someday,” he further added.
Toxic relations that are not addressed make one fall into repetitive patterns, which increase emotional baggage as well as projection. This can become worse as it turns into a habit—repeating what is familiar, repeating the traumatic experience with the hope of gaining mastery over it.
Toxic relations that are not addressed make one fall into repetitive patterns, which increase emotional baggage as well as projection.
We often repeat what we learnt as children. The belief that we are flawed and deserving of suffering contributes to our deteriorating sense of self.
One must disrupt the pattern in order to combat it. It can be achieved by:
1) Through realising where the acceptance of a toxic behaviour came from (this generally lies in one’s childhood experiences).
2) Being more mindful of the environment and the people in it by reflecting on one's thoughts and actions.
3) Gaining new and efficient communication skills and increasing one's assertiveness go a long way to be heard.
While doing all this might seem challenging, it is not impossible. Instead of suppressing it and stretching the agony, you can look for professional assistance from a therapist in your area or ask your friends for assistance. Prior to working on anything else, there are occasions when it is best to foremost work on yourself. Time to be non-toxic to yourself.
