The death of dating apps in Goa

MAYA ROSE FERNANDES

The companies that own Bumble, Tinder, Hinge and a plethora of other dating apps have recently found their share values plummeting.

Companies hasten to add new features, promise more stringent data protection and safeguards against unwanted bots, fake profiles and identity theft, but the numbers remain dreadful as subscribers stop paying for a service that does not deliver whatever customers were promised.

These companies hire marketing and PR agencies to resuscitate half-dead brand name dating apps and swear the algorithms will work for, and not against (keeping them just addicted enough to keep paying) registered users, but it’s not working.

The only thing keeping these dating apps alive is the urban myth that someone’s distant cousin at some point in time met somebody via the apps with whom they’d managed to wrangle a sustained connection.

Those anecdotes always end with, “I just went to their wedding.”

Welcome to the death of dating apps, the world over. And, guess what? This trend is alive and kicking across Goa, too.

While sexually repressed India started coming out of its shell about a decade ago, and tried dating online, then apps to facilitate a semblance of some sort of sex life for itself, after years of bare contact with the opposite sex, a lack of social skills and nothing, but the matchmaking scene as a reference point for meet-ups, barely a handful of years later, everybody is suffering from dating ennui.

At best, you’re friend-zoned or ghosted. At worst, you’re cat-fished by fake profiles or get trapped in an endless spiral of chatting with people, seeking nothing but your validation.

Most on the apps are desperate for the illusion of connection with a stranger that they have absolutely no intention of meeting in person.

Others use dating apps to feel their need for attention and validation.

One of the pros of dating apps is that it offers the chance to meet people you wouldn’t normally meet in your social circle.

Another is that they are great facilitators for hook-ups, if that’s what you’re looking for, and if you’re able to get the person you’re chatting with off their sofa and out of their home for long enough to actually meet up with you in person.

Being hooked on our mobiles, screens and virtual chatting has resulted in people communicating differently, but not necessarily able to form connections.

Everyone is suffering from some form of social anxiety, behavioural disorder or verbal Tourette’s, also known as over-sharing and trauma-dumping.

I recently spoke to a dating coach who shared that men (in particular) in Goa, and across India for that matter, have no idea how to date. They lack appropriate socialisation and the communication skills to engage with potential partners.

They’re desperately seeking connection without knowing how to close the gap between wanting and getting.

I’ve also come across a surrogate dating agency where you’re set up with a fake date in order to build up your dating confidence.

People may still be using the ‘free’ version of the dating apps, but they’re also desperately seeking other modes of meeting people. Cafes and other spaces in Goa are offering meet-ups for singles to counter dating app exhaustion.

Some local groups have events for singles to connect with each other in person. Speed dating is also regaining popularity.

Friends are asking others in their social circle to set them up on a blind date with someone they know.

Amidst all this activity is the reality that people in India and, by extension, Goa, have absolutely no clue how to date, how to communicate effectively, how to handle rejection or disappointment, manage their expectations of dates, lay down boundaries or be clear about their emotional needs to reduce the emotional discomfort that usually surrounds dating.

The hope was that online dating would make it more accessible to meet people and it’s certainly created the illusion of endless options out there to choose from.

Dating has become a competitive sport that includes the knowledge of an exit strategy in place before someone has even had a chance to meet in person. The initial allure of the shiny, new dating app has worn off and left people feeling disillusioned, disconnected and depressed.

“There’s no such thing as romance,” declared one friend to me recently, while another nodded in agreement adding, “It doesn’t exist at all!”

With divorce on the rise, women’s empowerment, and the opening up of sexual expression in India, people need to be focused on developing better people and communication skills if they want to actually meet people for companionship in their life.

The traditional reasons for getting partnered-up don’t exist, and one has to evolve with an understanding of this.

Having clarity on what you want from your life in terms of a companion (or whatever it is you’re seeking, there’s no judgement here) also requires some work to establish.

Add to that, the background of living in a world where the curtains were pulled aside, and we saw that the ‘system’ was broken (remember the Pandemic?).

We’re now having to deal with the ramifications of that by investing in healing our own wounded selves in order to make better partners to others, we do need to seek out better ways of connecting to other human beings that complement our lives and feel fulfilling to us.

The irony is that people are as desperate as ever for ‘meaningful’ connection with other human beings, and, let’s face it, for romance.

So, you might want to complement your dating app addiction with a strong dose of getting out in the real world if you want to meet someone you might have a future with, if that’s indeed what you’re looking for.

And, it won’t hurt to put in some effort towards improving your people skills in the process.